The full circle of guilt...

Not too long ago (I guess about three years or so) I was going to Calvary chapel in Virginia beach. I really like the atmosphere there most of the time and on more than one occasion Paster Thomas delivered a message to me that actually brought tears to my eyes....he is truly gifted at teaching the word. I felt that newly saved fire in my life where everything had to be perfect....the right attitude....the right music....the right things on TV.....everything must go and come back new....redone in the grace of god.....you know what I'm talking about right? that time when born again Christians start throwing away all their secular music cd's and trying to "save" everyone they talk to...A good friend of mine and I jokingly refer to it as "earning Jesus points" ie... are you saved? Let me tell you the good news and save your soul.....soul saved...1 Jesus point for me!...I know ...its horribly wrong to joke that ...but I have a satire/ironic/black sense of humor sometimes. Anyway I was on fire.....until.

One day I am at work having a discussion with my cousin who also attended the church at the time. He tells me of a disagreement he is currently having with Pastor Thomas. Now this has nothing to do with me nor it my business but I listened and automatically took my cousins side....naturally.... I didn't get mad or take it out on the Pastor but I see now it was eating at me and corrupting my time at church. After hearing my cousins side, the next Sunday we went to church and I began looking around for things I thought were wrong with the church.....simple things that in no way should have kept me from continuing my time there....who was dressed up ....who wasn't who got the pastors attention and who didn't.......why does the past keep referring to me as Brians brother (he is well known through out the Calvary congregation) instead of Dave .....Then when worship time started my ears picked up the sound of an older woman's voice a row or two behind me singing louder than anyone else.....on purpose or so it seemed.....I mean...the audacity of this woman!...singing loud during worship! doesn't she know her place!

Needless to say that was the last day I attended Calvary chapel in Virginia beach...... I have since wanted to return but feel a bit ashamed honestly....I let petty things that should NEVER matter deter me from going to worship the lord....As I have stated before I have a HUGE problem with people being fake....and this incident convinced me the church was full of people who were fake ....so I would not be returning!

Well three years later I find myself sitting in Wave church with my wife ...trying to critique this new church and figure out if its where I want to be......I have tried out different services ....service times ...and even listened to different pastors.....well there is one person of influence in the church who in the last two times I have heard him speak talked only about money....as a new member trying to get to know the church this was and still is a disturbing trend for me.....but none the less I chalk it up to the fact that the last two times I have heard him speak they were on the first of the month and at the first of the year....both are times that pastors typically speak about giving to the church for obvious reasons. I have no problem with there being a sermon or two n the importance of giving to the lord and in fact agree with it.....but on this third time of seeing this man get in front of the congregation and begin to talk about how we need to "buy in" to the kingdom of heaven and we reap what we sew....and so on and so forth something inside me caused my body to make gestures of uncomfortably....folding my arms....clasping my hands ....shaking my head ...things of that sort.....I admit I was angry....I kept thinking ...Is this what Jesus would want to sit through for the third time....I think he would stand up and rebuke this man....then leave...I could be wrong but that's what I kept thinking.

Well little did I know it at the time....my wife saw every gesture...every wince of anger ...every tooth bite my tongue, and for her I became the loud singer two rows back. I can't begin to explain how convicted I felt when she told me what I had done.....even the idea of apologizing felt like to little to late.....there I sat....convicted of the same crime i once judged a church for.

Its amazing how GOD teaches us sometimes.......he didn't hit me over the head....well not physically anyway, he took his time and gave me enough rope to hang myself...... I really am humbled from this....luckily my wife still wants to go back to church...so I guess I should thank GOD for two things.
1 Teaching me about myself and about judging others.
2 thank him for giving my wife a bit more patience and wisdom than he did me (on this one anyway :P)